10-2-2012

It is a gorgeous morning. In the 40s! I must admit to shivering at the thought of the cold mornings in the village during dry season. Here at least our house is warm! We started our solar floor heat a week or so ago, turning it off on the hottest afternoons because it would nearly drive me out of the house. The girls are up in their tiny room talking away. They are supposed to sleep until 10:00. :) It's 8:30. Bomani is at the table dipping honey toast into chai. He is a boy after his mom's own heart. :)

I still try to coordinate the kids' naps so that they all sleep at once in the afternoon! That way I get a nap. It keeps my sanity intact, especially if the girls were up during the night, which they still insist on doing every now and then. But you simply cannot schedule your kids perfectly. They are people—three different people! And...they all sleep on one twin size foam mattress on the floor. So there is a lot of hanging out that happens and a lot of waking each other. :) Sometimes I wish I were normal and would put each toddler into his or her own bed. But our house is too small for three cribs or beds. And they have so very much fun together!

Last week we went yard saling in Wichita. It was not amazing, but I found a lot of what I needed. I still need warm sleepwear for the girls for the winter. I hadn't been preparing for winter, because I thought we would be in Thailand by then. And though it gets coolish in Chiang Mai, you don't need your flannel nightwear.

Bomani just came over here, wanting me to clean off his hand. It was crumby from his toast. He is more picky about being clean than my girls will ever be. :) I asked him if he wants to sit beside me on my chair. He said “No! Tea.” :) He is talking more and more...up to three words in a phrase. It is so fun. And the girls are saying one or two words. “Hi” was one of their first words. So far, about their only word. Daisy says “numnumnumnum” when she eats. And Hazel has said “ba” for a ball.

I don't even know what to write about the girls. I think I'm in sort of a “too close to heaven” time of their lives. It is sooo fun. They are healthy, eat well, play and play and play, toddle all over, climb onto everything, cuddle with their white blankets, tumble over Bomani, play outside for long stretches, and just generally are too fun! Last evening, for instance, the three kids were giving each other kisses...on the lips. I know, disturbing. But that's what they see... :) It's getting more and more like having triplets. They play and play together. Bomani misses them when they nap and gets so bored. The other day the three were downstairs and I was upstairs and I heard Hazel crying, so I peeked around the corner. There I witnessed Daisy pounding Hazel on the head with something, and Bomani bent over and said, “Daisy, ouch ouch.”...very seriously. Then he helped Hazel get out of Daisy's way. :) It was one of those moments...

I haven't been writing much on my blog. Pictures are safer right now. It's been a hard year. One of my friends gave me a book called Tear Soup. It's about grief, a story written in child's language...think Max Lucado style. I don't think I've realized what all was grief for me this year. I know I went through a really cynical time, and it came out on my blog. I've been afraid to write a lot recently. Not because things are so bad, I just don't know what to write.

I want to be graceful. Full of grace. I don't want to yell at people for the things they say or don't say. I know I did not used to know what to say to grieving people. Now I know. Say very little. Or nothing.

In Sunday School on Sunday, I asked for prayer for our little family as we travel east for dad's wedding next week. I felt a lot of love and a lot of care from the class. It blessed me so much! The last time we had a big gathering it was for mom's funeral. Many of the same people will be at the wedding. It's a lot to have happen in one year's time, but it is how God has it planned, and it's good.

It also appears that we probably won't be returning to Thailand, except to go and get our stuff and say good-bye and close down. Next to my mother's death, that has been the most difficult part of our last year and a half here. But once again, we trust God's plan and His timeline. We, along with the board here, decided that Pang Klang is not the place for us to plant a church. The church at Khun Khong is just too close and we don't want to compete. Now we (Craig and I) are working on what God wants us to do in the meantime. How does He want us to best prepare and work while in America? We still dream of being self supporting. We realize, however, that this is a huge dream, and life is not always as perfect and ideal as we desire it to be. So we're not banking on that possibility. But Craig is studying things out...

Kids are awake...

10-4

Hi! Resuming blog post...

Now that it has turned chilly here, I keep thinking of Pang Klang. I don't think I will ever forget what it was like to wake up and your nose is below 40 degrees. To have a warm house...I will never take it for granted again. :)

A few highlights of the last few days...

Hazel sitting in her high chair picking blueberries out of the blueberry cake.

Driving in the lane after taking Craig to work to see that Daisy somehow got outside and was waving both hands to me.

Bomani, wanting to get off my lap and continue playing, during a serious talking to, quickly saying “okay mom”. (He has no idea what that means, but at least it makes me feel better.:)

Hazel's toothy grin. (If any of my kids will flirt in the future, it will be her.)

Daisy coming up to me and telling me something very seriously. (I only wish I could understand!)

Seriously, they are the darlingest kids ever. I love them so much! And then reality strikes. Ow. After I wrote what I did above, the other day, I had one of the worst days in history. Bomani is really naughty these days. I don't know what I'm doing! I am so inexperienced in this training of kids thing. I know Mr and Mrs Pearl would have a few things to tell me, but I am not by nature a General. (Some people might refute that.) Mostly, I have three toddlers. When I am changing a poopy diaper, which is often when all three have at least two every day, and Bomani takes that opportunity to disobey, be naughty, kick a sister just because he thinks it's so fun to watch them plop, I simply cannot get up and take care of it immediately! And when I'm washing dishes and desperately need to get lunch made and he is being bad, instead of sitting down and spending time with him, I scream. (Inside) Please do pray for me in this stage of my life! At the end of some days, I am so weary of training and getting upset and saying the wrong things, yelling at him when he ignores me, and then feeling so remorseful...I'm ready to give up as a mom.

But I get up the next morning-- and guess what? I am a mom.

10-5-2012

Tomorrow is Nomes' wedding. We were planning to go, but it is one of the busiest times of the year at the seed farm, and Craig decided not to ask off. It was a fairly hard decision. I find myself feeling quite a bit of sadness at not being at my friend's wedding. Nomes is one of my best friends from Thailand. I watched her walk the very tough road of dating while being on the other side of the world from the one she loves. Of waiting long years. Chiang Mai will not be the same without Nomes. She was just always there. I knew, no matter what, that I could talk with Nomes when we went to the city. I knew there would always be a kindred spirit there. (There are other kindred spirits there as well! You know who you are... :)

And then, as I am honest with my inmost heart, I know I am also grieving. I am grieving the loss of Thailand. It comes out in a hundred ways. Yesterday at the mall, I kept walking past people from other nationalities. I would hear them speaking Spanish, or whatever their language was, and with a pang, I realized that I am in America, and not headed back. Simply seeing people from other lands and hearing them speak was like a fresh, cool cup of water. I am – forever, a third culture kid. It's nice and fun to be in America. It's gentle on the system. But it's incredibly hard. It's not who I am. It is – much harder than not being in America.

For the past 1 ½ years, I have held hope that we are returning. We are not returning except to say good-bye. The result? Grief. And I know that if I'm willing to walk through that, I will be much healthier in the long run. But honestly, I am tired of grief. Ever since my dad sent the email, which we received in the village, that mom has extensive cancer, I have been feeling grief.

Don't pity me or feel sorry for me – please. I know my blessings. I know my God. I know my life is no harder than anyone else's. I'm just writing. Just letting my friends out there know what's going on...

I know that we didn't have time to say good-bye to Thailand in our hearts. We didn't know we were leaving until a few days before we left. We didn't have that advance notice of a year. About now is actually when we start doing the good-bye in our hearts. We might not be done with the process until the day comes when God says “I want you to go back to Thailand to live again...” Because I'm not sure God wants us to be done. What has He planted in our hearts? I didn't even like Thailand when we first went over! It was so different from Africa, which was where I had lived. So different even from Central America, which I also enjoyed on my visits. This was Asia—a totally different ball park. After a while, I started realizing that this place was creeping into my heart. It's there. I miss the Thai people and culture deeply. I highly value so much of what they have.

I don't know what God has planned. I don't know if He is taking us back there someday. I do know what He has placed in Craig and my heart, and I'm going to trust Him...

In the meantime, I would do anything to eat at a little outdoor cafe, then wai in thanks for the delicious meal...hop on the motorbike behind my husband, and navigate the traffic, inhale the wild smells, and smile at the wonderful people...

...wake up in the crisp morning, walk outside our house, and look down over the gorgeous valley, full of mist...grin at the neighbor lady, smell Ama's garlic and fish for breakfast...and wonder if my laundry will dry by next week...

...visit our friends in the village, up by uncle shaman’s house...sit on their rice mat and exchange news and watch our kids play together...

...spend Sunday lunch at the Khun Khong pastor's house...rice with delectable greens and bits of pork with fat...ask him lots of questions about the Lisu and their history...enjoy the friendship of his wife...

...sit in IGo Chapel and spend a whole hour in worship...

...talk with my friend, Renita...

...stay at Arlins...talk about babies with Kayla...

...spend Thanksgiving with Drus...

I'm going to go make lacto-fermented cucumbers. Good-bye.